There are times when this big, boisterous world is just too great to absorb.
My mind can’t expand across the oceans and peaks, nor bridge gaps between cultures and hearts. There are too many strange and confronting things to voice in one breath; too many miraculous places for a single dream; and too many harsh realities to ignore.
Sometimes, often when weary, I seek the shelter of silence. I crave calm, soft places where creature comforts live in cosy cocoons. But, being young and hopeful, I’ve always looked upon such retreat as an essential hiatus before soaring forward into grander things.
To match my 2012 lessons in freedom and courage, it seems 2013 is sending me challenges of patience, testing my will and mocking my ability to find balance.
Since returning from my whirl-wind nine month adventure in Europe, I’ve experienced a journey of peaks and troughs. I’ve felt an overwhelming gratitude for the opportunities I enjoyed in 2012 and the lessons that enriched me along the way. I’ve been elated in the returned company of loved ones, and appreciative for my homeland, my sentimental objects and effortless Australian customs. I’ve ached for the excitement of the road, with its ever-changing horizon and serendipitous path, and I’ve felt trapped by domestic necessities.
Perhaps most significantly though, I’ve been frustrated with illness that has bound my body, and along with it, my spirit, making me feel a million miles away from untamed explorations and energetic pursuits. I am not nearly dying. I am not nearly bed-bound. But I am wracked with the frustration that comes from months of deep weariness, constant illness and vague solutions. I am not accustomed to being held back by my own physical form; to being told by my own body to slow down, sleep, participate less.
While travelling I stumbled across many a mindful moment, when conscious clarity seemed a natural state and freedom of heart felt like status quo. But sadly, these moments shift and flicker with the pressure of reality; they waiver and fade into states of uncertainty, as the world appears less accommodating than that of days passed.
I find balance to be an ever-elusive ideal, a shape-shifter lingering in the corners of my minds-eye. I find home to be a comfort and a cage, depending on my state of mind. I feel the future is full of possibilities, so many possibilities that at times I am overwhelmed if I let myself be so.
For now I must just let go, enjoy the comforts of home… and then perhaps take a flight to Melbourne for a weekend of travel delights.